Fear and Loathing
We took my convertible down through Red Bank and headed west on 520, swung right when we reached the beach and drove on to the furious pounding of Swing music. This was our first stop, and little dive of a bar called Ikabod's. And that's when the beer kicked in.
"I gotta stop." I pulled the car over to the side of the road, in front of a café. And jumped out of the drivers seat.
It was almost nine, and we still had more than four days to go, they would tough days. Very soon, I knew, we would both be completely twisted. But it had to be done.
Little did we know that this weekend would end up with us driving across the state with a trunk full of beer and 600 hundred bars of soap.
-----
"Well," He said, "As your intern, I advise you to get a Motorcycle so we can better attract women."
"To hell that," I said, "where can I lay my hands on a Lotus Super Seven?"
"What's that?"
"A fantastic car," I said, "the new model is something two thousand cubic inches, developing five hundred brake horse power at four thousand revolutions per minute, a aluminum frame and Styrofoam seats weighing in with a total curb weight of exactly five hundred pounds."
"That sounds about right for this gig." He said.
"It is," I assured him, "the bastard's not much for turning, but it's pure hell on the straightaway, It'll outrun a F-14 until takeoff."
"Takeoff?," he said "Can we handle that much torque?"
"Absolutely" I said, "I'll call my dad for some cash"
-----
It was a crowed place, lots of young things dressed in tight clothing. It set the stage for the weekend.
I notice one guy off in corner, a bunch of people were singing happy birthday to him. I headed over there, weaving my way through the crowd.
"You're Jamie?" I said, whilst people slapped the poor idiot on his back and congratulated him on his birthday. Somebody handed him a beer.
"Yeah" He smiled as he brought a plastic cup full of beer to his mouth and drank deep, the idiot had just turned 21.
I waited for to lower the cup, and then I punched him in the face, "Happy fucking birthday."
-----
Later, My intern and I were pool side, at one of the most rocking parties that's been known to happen. I had been invitied in a shotgun fashion, being that when other people were invited I was in the same room. Hey, it
happens, and I get to the best parties that way.
"As your intern, I advise you to have another beer" He said to me.
I opened my eyes and dug into cooler for another beer, Looked at it,
"Damn, Bass," and put back.
"I think that incident shows you have some unresolved issues..." My intern was telling me.
"Damn, Bass." I said went digging for another beer.
"Fuck my issues," I screamed, "this isn't about my issues, this is..." I swept my hand around "This is about the American dream."
I stood up and reflected upon the great idea I was about get... no great idea came, matter of fact I was kinda thirsty, I sat down.
"Let's forget that bullshit about the American dream" I continued, "The important thing is the great Swedish dream. And the Great Swedish dream doesn't include any Bass Beer" I put the beer back.
My intern clutched his head. "That cheap mescaline wore off a long time ago, and I don't know if I can stand the smell of beer anymore." he said, "Gimme another tab."
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a metal case and gave him small white tab. And went digging again, "damn Bass." I said, "You are aware, that I didn't give you any Mescaline before?"
"Huh?... erp" he said as he tossed the tab down his throat.
"Yeah," I clarified, "I gave you an Altoid, wintergreen, in fact" And this point, somebody had thankfully handed me a Harp lager.
-----
I was dying, the damn cold fingers were crushing my chest and I couldn't do anything I was being drowned by a naked midget blond. Two! Two naked midgets were trying to kill me! One was a chesnut-haired, the other was blond. Where the hell did they come from? How was I to rid of them.
He should have never let me into the pool. Not while I was that drunk.
Death. I was sure of it. Not even my lungs seemed to be functioning. I was going to die, but I couldn't open my mouth to say so. Just standing there in the pool unable to move... well at least there's no pain. Probably, I'll black out in a few seconds and after that it won't matter...
-----
My intern and I were walking down the boardwalk, I had blood in my mouth and felt like I was hit by a truck.
"What the hell was that about?" He asked.
"Er?" I grunted, finding my voice "what?"
"Fucking punching that guy like that!" He said,
"Huh? I punched somebody?" I lifted my left hand, no marks, no blood. "I couldn't have hit him very hard..."
"Damn it, Shaun, you're right handed." I looked at my right hand, it was a bloody mess, and now that I thought about it, hurt like hell.
"So, I am..." We had stopped walking.
"He must have deserved it for something..." I was reaching for some memory.
"That was so fucking uncool, I mean, for while there, you were so money, and then wham! You're beating the piss out of some kid." He was screaming at me.
And suddenly there was this terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and diving around us. I don't think that my intern noticed them. There was no point in mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
I pulled a cigarette out of my shirt pocket and lit up, "Now, we all know that you're the one who's so fucking money, now let's go back to the lounge and pick us up some babes."
My intern interupted me just as we headed off, "Shaun, you're smoking a pen."
-----
"I flirted with becoming a programmer," I was immensely drunk, and telling my life story to a stranger.
"A Programmer?" She asked.
"I had romantic vision of late night coding and being a beacon of style and strength" I paused. "But a little voice inside me said..."
"Are you insane!?" She interrupted me.
I took a pull at my beer, and spoke "You've heard the little voice too, then?"
-----
When we got back to Morristown, he explained that he'd given one of the cab-callers a $100 bill to see that his "drunk girlfriend" go to the hotel, where she had a reservation. " I told him to make sure she got there," He said.
"You think she will?"
He nodded, "The guy said he'd pay the fare and tell the cabby to humor her. I told I had some business to take care but I'd be there myself in an hour, and if the girl wasn't checked in, I'd come back here and rip his fucking lungs out"
"That's good" I said approvingly, "You can't be too subtle in this town."
"As you intern," He changed the subject, "I advise you to tell me where you put the beer."
-----
If anybody cares, I had a great time this weekend.
"I gotta stop." I pulled the car over to the side of the road, in front of a café. And jumped out of the drivers seat.
It was almost nine, and we still had more than four days to go, they would tough days. Very soon, I knew, we would both be completely twisted. But it had to be done.
Little did we know that this weekend would end up with us driving across the state with a trunk full of beer and 600 hundred bars of soap.
-----
"Well," He said, "As your intern, I advise you to get a Motorcycle so we can better attract women."
"To hell that," I said, "where can I lay my hands on a Lotus Super Seven?"
"What's that?"
"A fantastic car," I said, "the new model is something two thousand cubic inches, developing five hundred brake horse power at four thousand revolutions per minute, a aluminum frame and Styrofoam seats weighing in with a total curb weight of exactly five hundred pounds."
"That sounds about right for this gig." He said.
"It is," I assured him, "the bastard's not much for turning, but it's pure hell on the straightaway, It'll outrun a F-14 until takeoff."
"Takeoff?," he said "Can we handle that much torque?"
"Absolutely" I said, "I'll call my dad for some cash"
-----
It was a crowed place, lots of young things dressed in tight clothing. It set the stage for the weekend.
I notice one guy off in corner, a bunch of people were singing happy birthday to him. I headed over there, weaving my way through the crowd.
"You're Jamie?" I said, whilst people slapped the poor idiot on his back and congratulated him on his birthday. Somebody handed him a beer.
"Yeah" He smiled as he brought a plastic cup full of beer to his mouth and drank deep, the idiot had just turned 21.
I waited for to lower the cup, and then I punched him in the face, "Happy fucking birthday."
-----
Later, My intern and I were pool side, at one of the most rocking parties that's been known to happen. I had been invitied in a shotgun fashion, being that when other people were invited I was in the same room. Hey, it
happens, and I get to the best parties that way.
"As your intern, I advise you to have another beer" He said to me.
I opened my eyes and dug into cooler for another beer, Looked at it,
"Damn, Bass," and put back.
"I think that incident shows you have some unresolved issues..." My intern was telling me.
"Damn, Bass." I said went digging for another beer.
"Fuck my issues," I screamed, "this isn't about my issues, this is..." I swept my hand around "This is about the American dream."
I stood up and reflected upon the great idea I was about get... no great idea came, matter of fact I was kinda thirsty, I sat down.
"Let's forget that bullshit about the American dream" I continued, "The important thing is the great Swedish dream. And the Great Swedish dream doesn't include any Bass Beer" I put the beer back.
My intern clutched his head. "That cheap mescaline wore off a long time ago, and I don't know if I can stand the smell of beer anymore." he said, "Gimme another tab."
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a metal case and gave him small white tab. And went digging again, "damn Bass." I said, "You are aware, that I didn't give you any Mescaline before?"
"Huh?... erp" he said as he tossed the tab down his throat.
"Yeah," I clarified, "I gave you an Altoid, wintergreen, in fact" And this point, somebody had thankfully handed me a Harp lager.
-----
I was dying, the damn cold fingers were crushing my chest and I couldn't do anything I was being drowned by a naked midget blond. Two! Two naked midgets were trying to kill me! One was a chesnut-haired, the other was blond. Where the hell did they come from? How was I to rid of them.
He should have never let me into the pool. Not while I was that drunk.
Death. I was sure of it. Not even my lungs seemed to be functioning. I was going to die, but I couldn't open my mouth to say so. Just standing there in the pool unable to move... well at least there's no pain. Probably, I'll black out in a few seconds and after that it won't matter...
-----
My intern and I were walking down the boardwalk, I had blood in my mouth and felt like I was hit by a truck.
"What the hell was that about?" He asked.
"Er?" I grunted, finding my voice "what?"
"Fucking punching that guy like that!" He said,
"Huh? I punched somebody?" I lifted my left hand, no marks, no blood. "I couldn't have hit him very hard..."
"Damn it, Shaun, you're right handed." I looked at my right hand, it was a bloody mess, and now that I thought about it, hurt like hell.
"So, I am..." We had stopped walking.
"He must have deserved it for something..." I was reaching for some memory.
"That was so fucking uncool, I mean, for while there, you were so money, and then wham! You're beating the piss out of some kid." He was screaming at me.
And suddenly there was this terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and diving around us. I don't think that my intern noticed them. There was no point in mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
I pulled a cigarette out of my shirt pocket and lit up, "Now, we all know that you're the one who's so fucking money, now let's go back to the lounge and pick us up some babes."
My intern interupted me just as we headed off, "Shaun, you're smoking a pen."
-----
"I flirted with becoming a programmer," I was immensely drunk, and telling my life story to a stranger.
"A Programmer?" She asked.
"I had romantic vision of late night coding and being a beacon of style and strength" I paused. "But a little voice inside me said..."
"Are you insane!?" She interrupted me.
I took a pull at my beer, and spoke "You've heard the little voice too, then?"
-----
When we got back to Morristown, he explained that he'd given one of the cab-callers a $100 bill to see that his "drunk girlfriend" go to the hotel, where she had a reservation. " I told him to make sure she got there," He said.
"You think she will?"
He nodded, "The guy said he'd pay the fare and tell the cabby to humor her. I told I had some business to take care but I'd be there myself in an hour, and if the girl wasn't checked in, I'd come back here and rip his fucking lungs out"
"That's good" I said approvingly, "You can't be too subtle in this town."
"As you intern," He changed the subject, "I advise you to tell me where you put the beer."
-----
If anybody cares, I had a great time this weekend.
